September 8th 2023: I Don't Want To Feel This Way Forever
I've come to the conclusion that I'm depressed again. I won't get into all the reasons for my being depressed, because inevitably every time I get into it, it leads to me having another sobbing meltdown, and it's very pathetic and human. It boils down to being autistic and experiencing the first huge change I've ever had in my life, which is moving 900 miles away to Colorado. I thought I generally handled "big changes" well but it turns out I simply have never experienced what my brain considers to be a big change. I am not handling it well at all. I've lived here for a little more than a month now, and every single week without fail I have at least once become so overwhelmed with the state of my life that I have a meltdown (when I say meltdown I mean it specifically in the context of being autistic), which generally speaking I don't really experience. Under normal circumstances I usually shut down or become irritable in the face of overstimulation and such, but these instances are truly just uncontrollable meltdowns in the middle of the night. Can't even really speak, I just cry and sound like a kicked dog and rock back and forth for an hour until I can go to sleep for 5 hours. It's weird. So, upon experiencing this last night for the billionth time, it finally clicked for me that I am experiencing a depression again. The last time I felt significantly depressed was in 2022, after I had COVID for the first time and was very isolated and mentally low from the stress of grades. I guess I also felt very depressed and passively suicidal in 2019 in the immediate aftermath of coming out, but that got better with time and I have thankfully still never felt that exact level of bad again. I will say that the things I feel right now are the worst I've felt in recent memory, and on a different level entirely. I can describe it, I guess, as being heartbroken and grieving, over and over. When I first moved here and started feeling bad, I decided I'd feel better once I started school and interacted with people again. I am the most lonely person in the world at school, and being in school hasn't helped. Senior year isn't what I hoped and dreamed it would be...I also told myself that the cure to my problems would be going back home and seeing Pierce the Veil...well, I have plane tickets for November and I've yet to buy a PTV ticket, but I still feel very bad. So, this pattern continues of me thinking small things will make me feel better, when in reality it doesn't fix anything because my issues run deeper, ergo this is not just a temporary feeling. I see my doctor next in October. Hopefully I just need a higher dose of adderall and a new therapist, but of course I feel that a therapist can't truly fix this because the solution is 900 miles away and 3 months ago. I have my senior meeting with my counselor tomorrow morning and I'm bringing my Mom with me. Maybe and hopefully my counselor can help some of my school problems, which I won't get into here or now. I know it's going to be okay, and I felt a little better today, and I think one of the reasons I was so sensitive yesterday is because I forgot to take my meds. It'll all work out and I know that, but you know how it is, it's easy to feel stuck. Been really resonating with Understanding In A Car Crash lately, like yeah, Geoff was right, I don't actually want to feel this way forever. I turn 18 in December. I have his book on my wishlist, if any of you want to get me a present.
A positive note... This got me thinking a little about music, and writing about music makes me feel better. I hope Thursday comes to Denver on tour sometime. They just started their tour today in Syracuse, NY, but they have no CO dates on this current run. Tucker liked my Instagram comment about wanting them to come to Denver someday though, so maybe there's hope! Mitski's new album comes out...next week, I think? and I'm very excited for it. They're doing an album listening party at a record store in Denver on Wednesday next week but I unfortunately can't go. Mostly I'm assuming she'll announce a new tour for The Land Is Inhospitable And So Are We tour when the album comes out, and I am very excited! I am almost certain she'll play in Denver, right? I do hope the tour starts in 2024 though...One of my bucket list goals is to hear Townie by Mitski live, and it was a staple on her setlist for the Laurel Hell tour, so I think the chances are high. We talk about it in theory a lot, but I wonder how possible it would really be for my friend Jude and I to go to a Mitski concert together since, y'know, the narrative and all...My top 3 songs by her are Townie, Drunk Walk Home, and Once More To See You. I know 2/3 of those songs on bass guitar, kind of. The one thing I really want for my birthday this year is my own bass guitar, I'm serious, it's the one thing I want. I like the bass guitar a lot. I like tabs and I like listening for basslines in songs. Okay, good night. I saw a video from the Mitski album listening party in Nashville where Mitski herself surprised the crowd with an acoustic set and now I'm kind of worried she'll do that in Denver and I won't be there. It's okay though. Really, good night.